TOP NINE WAYS FOR OBAMA TO WIN REPUBLICAN SUPPORT ON THE SYRIAN RESOLUTION

* Agree to defund Obamacare.
* Vow to make no statements about Syria using a teleprompter.
* Promise that no Syria appropriations will go to ACORN.
* Abstain from golf for the duration of military operations.
* Release text of nonexistent Columbia University thesis.
* Instead of U.S. military, conduct entire operation using secret Obama "civilian national security force" and mythical massive Department of Homeland Security ammunition stockpile.
* Draft all New Black Panthers and Chicago "thugs."
* Name next newly commissioned aircraft carrier the Andrew Breitbart.
* No Syria czars.